Addiction Cannot Be Bargained With
If I’m Not Diligent About My Recovery, I Could Spend My Life Acting Out
April 19, 2010
My addiction is a motherfucker. It’s a beast — cunning, baffling, and powerful. I liken it to Arnold Schwarzenegger’s famous villain in The Terminator: “It can’t be bargained with. It can’t be reasoned with. It doesn’t feel pity or remorse.” It just keeps coming after you.
I say all this because I’ve been struggling; I haven’t relapsed but things have been slippery and stressful. I’m trying to remember and put back into practice the things that have kept me sober even this long. I’ve made it through hard times before and am retracing the steps that kept me going. For me, recovery is an aggregate, building day by day, brick by brick, into something stronger. The more I live in my recovery, the healthier I feel. The addiction is also an aggregate. If I keep tempting myself and chiseling away at my recovery, it’ll eventually crumble.
So, I’m going to try a few things that have worked for me. I am going to make calls no matter how mild a temptation feels. When I am that vigilant, when I respond to the smallest triggers with an outsize move toward love and recovery, it really helps. Why should I wait till I’m already white-knuckling? I can be preemptive; I can call a recovery friend when I’m just a little off, or even when I’m feeling great. I can stay in touch with my support network, regardless of my state of mind or emotion.
I can also keep things simple and routine. I can stay away from my temptations by doing a healthy activity — reading, journaling, engaging in my art, getting good sleep, and actively doing things opposite my addictive behaviors. I like routine. My addiction would rather have me scrambling to make up for lost time, but I can instead live my recovery in even the simplest things I do.
Lastly, I am going to remind myself that I am not trying to stay sober for my family. Or for my ex-wife. And when I was married, I wasn’t doing it for my marriage. That sounds harsh, I know, but I’m making a point here: I am doing this for me. I am doing this to save-my-life. During this slippery period, I am realizing that, given the opportunity, I will act out. If I don’t stick to my routines, if I’m not diligent about living in my recovery, I could spend the rest of my life acting out. I would be miserable but the addiction would be appeased. That scares the hell out of me.
If I can work this program and be sober for me, for my heart, soul, and peace of mind, then all those other things — parenting, partnering, working — will fall into place. But I will accomplish little else in life if I don’t stay sober first. I must believe that I am worth it and that I won’t have a fruitful, healthy life if I don’t build on this recovery every day, day by day, brick by brick.
