Better to Feel This Pain
Accepting My Emotions and Being Grateful for a Friend’s Consolation
April 5, 2010
My note today is about pain and its release. I have been busy lately, trying to do as much as work as I can, with my emotions boiling just below the surface. Considering my recent divorce and my move out of the house, I’ve been trying hard to just “do my day,” as my sponsor says.
Soon, though, the sadness of not living with my kids anymore completely overwhelmed me last week. I was morose and pensive, even as I tried to commit to work and to those positive activities which are the exact opposite of my addictive ones. Still, I eventually completely broke down. I cried very, very hard one night. So much has changed.
As I sobbed to a very good friend in fellowship over the phone, he basically said, good for you for feeling what you’re feeling. He said it’s better to feel this pain and grow through it, than to diminish it or tamp it down. It is better to accept this hurt and reflect on it, than to ignore it or numb it by acting out.
Through all the crying, which turned out to be incredibly cathartic, my friend reminded me that I was in a healthier place than I had been for years in my addiction. I was doing what I haven’t done in the past — acknowledging the damage I’ve done to myself and others, and allowing myself to experience very difficult emotions. I’m on Step 3 of my program where I’m learning to turn my will and life over to the care of a loving God. My friend noted that by allowing myself this huge emotional release, by feeling all these feelings, however helpless and unrestrained, I was opening myself up more to the guidance, will, and wisdom of the God of my understanding.
I don’t think I’ll ever forget the night last week on the phone when my friend in fellowship consoled me, not only by just being there for me, but by offering his supportive, wise words. He helped me realize that ultimately, whatever pain I may experience, I’m not doing what I used to do. I’m not avoiding emotional pain in the present, nor am I flogging myself endlessly for what happened in the past. I am doing better in the present, acknowledging that I was a very troubled addict, who is now living and accepting his life in recovery.
