Codependence
Doing the Right Thing for the Wrong Reason
February 27, 2012
Tonight, I have codependence on the brain because a friend in recovery was struggling with his own codependence and we spent some time discussing our respective experiences in it.
What I can say about my own codependence is that it’s the third point on the trio of pathologies that I work on in my recovery. Of course, there’s my addiction; then there’s rage; and finally, codependence. They do a dance around one another in the following manner: back in the day, I’d fail to take care of myself and my needs — say, work-related or artistic — but my codependence kept me silent, I couldn’t voice my concerns. That repression would finally build until I would explode with rage. The rage would rock my relationship’s boat and then I’d go scurrying back to my addiction. My ex-wife and I would make up, but I kept failing to address the core issues at play, and we’d repeat the cycle. This was a big part of the madness of my active addiction.
What I’ve come to understand as codependence for me is allowing myself to be subsumed and overwhelmed by my partner’s wants and needs as opposed to finding a better balance between what I can and can’t do for her at a given time. Also, I would do these things, not out of the kindness of my heart, but out of fear of being rejected should I disappoint her. So, the motivation behind my codependence was twisted: deep down, it really wasn’t that I wanted to do right by her and then struggled with that good intention. It’s that the intention itself was skewed, based on insecurity and an unwillingness or inability to put myself on an equal plane with my partner. In short, codependence was doing the right thing, but for the wrong reason.
My thoughts, needs, and wants are important and codependency is an amazingly insidious way for my addictive persona to sabotage my attempts to make healthier decisions, thus leading me right back to the addiction. In recovery, I’ve learned self-love and self-worth, and that’s gone a long way to help me break the bonds of codependency and to find more balance in my relationships, romantic or otherwise.
