Feeling All the Feelings
March 28, 2012
What a swirl of emotions I’ve experienced these last few weeks. I’m not sure what to say about it exactly because I’m still in the midst of it. I’m not sure how to feel about it because I’m waiting on an answer to what the future holds for my ex-wife and me to just present itself already. I’m good at sitting with my emotions though; at least, I’m far better than I used to be. And, as I’ve heard and soaked in from a fellow traveler in the last few weeks, it’s good and healthy to just sit there, and let the emotions make their way through me. I don’t have to come to a quick answer. I don’t have to always be clear or sure of the emotions. I don’t even have to always be in a good mood, though I more readily try to be when I find I’m in a funk; a sort of baseline “act as if”. Now in recovery, I do a much better job at actually feeling; that is, acknowledging and accepting when and how a particular emotion is washing over me.
As you can imagine, it certainly wasn’t like this before I encountered and accepted recovery. In my active addiction, I’d be angry without cause; I’d be secretive without reason, and I’d want to isolate out of a misguided sense of isolation’s security. It was a false security, after all. Isolation isn’t solitude and my frustrations and tensions now have a much clearer source point, presented to me through the process of recovery. I’m not saying I’m an emotions guru; there’s no perfection implied in this share. But there’s a ton of progress. And just being in touch with, and feeling a part of, and sitting and mulling over these swirls of emotion — as I go through some pretty difficult and intricate life decisions right now — is a huge blessing. None of this acceptance of how I feel, in frustration or joy, would be possible without the God-given blessing of recovery.