Feeling the Consequences
A Difficult Recovery is Far Better than Active Addiction
March 15, 2010
Earlier today, a friend in the fellowship sighed as he told me, “I guess I’m going to always be like this.” That is, addicted and dealing with the consequences of the addiction which have forever altered his life. My life is no different. My family is broken up, my ex-wife — who’s also my best friend — has no trust in me, and my finances are in shambles. But when that friend sighed and implied that this work in recovery will be forever, I didn’t fret. I didn’t wince. Instead, I met him with the positive mentality that has fueled my recovery for some time now.
After attending my first S convention last year, I realized that recovery is and will be a huge part of my life, always. It is my life, essentially. Because if I don’t have recovery, then I white-knuckle every day through my addiction and that alters every other aspect of my life. Without a program of recovery, I fight the addiction instead of surrendering it. I do battle instead of acknowledging that there is a specifically spiritual path I can take to affect my recovery. If I stick to the path, if I work the program, I will have less pain, less strife, less anxiety. If I stick to the path, I will have more calm, more peace, and more time to accomplish the things in life I really believe I’m here to accomplish.
So, I didn’t worry and I wasn’t frightened by the implication of being in recovery forever. Because I know now how miserable I was in my acting out years. I have 24 years of acting out to heal from and without the help of my program and my Higher Power, I simply. won’t. heal. I’ll go back to bucking and fighting, ignoring and denying that I am an addict who is utterly powerless over an overwhelming addiction. The prospect of being in recovery forever doesn’t scare me because being sober from my addiction is what I want for the rest of my life. If I should have moments of doubt — and I most certainly do — I try to remember how horrible being in that isolated world of addiction and deceit and pain was, and how I never, ever want to go back there again. Working the positive path of my recovery for the rest of my life is nowhere near as daunting or frightening as diving headlong back into my addiction.
