Like a Treadmill
Struggling with the Willfulness of Failing to Surrender
August 2, 2010
I’ll be straight up: lately, I have not been able to sit with my feelings very readily at all. The difficulty I’ve been having is the same since I came back from vacation in California, two weeks ago now. I have had additional stressors since coming back and feel completely overwhelmed.
It’s not very hard to describe what sort of treadmill I’ve been on, because it feels like my active addiction, except that I am, by the miracle that is my program, not turning to porn or any other kind of acting out.
On the other hand, I’m really struggling with “alternatives” to acting out. I am being terribly willful. My addiction is being almost petulant, it’s working so hard on me. I am not what they call “emotionally sober.”
I told everyone at a meeting tonight that I’ve been making calls, but I could call even more. I’m best advised to call whenever I’m struggling, even if I have to call someone in the fellowship every five minutes, which is what it’s been feeling like late at night.
I still find myself numbing out reading news articles and entertainment websites, wasting time doing nothing substantive. Again, it’s visiting and revisiting that slippery area where sobriety is not lost, but where healthful behavior certainly isn’t gained. My behavior hasn’t been so out of control that I’ve jeopardized my sobriety — but that could change. And I don’t want to keep tempting myself and get to the point where I’m so exhausted that I do risk my sobriety. I keep staying up late, I keep resisting help.
At tonight’s meeting, we had a newcomer, so we reflexively reviewed the First Step. And I’m admitting to you all, as I did at the meeting, that I am powerless. I have been reminded over and over these last two weeks that I am utterly powerless. I keep trying to fight for no good reason other than I’m an addict who is struggling with the beautiful art of the surrender. The very thing I keep doing every night to make myself feel better actually pains me more. It’s the same with my overt acting out as it is in this grey pool I’ve been swimming in.
The way to feel better isn’t to wrestle with it, isn’t to punch it into submission. My addiction will not submit. The way to feel better is to surrender and deal with the real pain which all this willfulness is falsely covering up.
