Respectfully Decline Insanity
Healthy Commitments Used to Collide with Unhealthy Addiction
May 10, 2010
Today, I was deep into spending time with my family; I was all-in; I was committed. There was a time, in active addiction, where any little schedule change, any little human infraction my ex-wife or my kids would carry out would shoot me into the stratosphere. There was a rigidity to my life which masked itself as professionalism, or perfectionism, or whatever I chose to call it besides the insanity of addiction that it was.
See, I have pretty big career goals, and I’m a passionate artist who knows what he wants to do with his life. But back then, my healthy, reasonable passions contended with the train wreck that was my addiction. So, I would set deadlines and standards for myself that were impossible to meet because my addiction made everything I did or strived to do more difficult than it was. Unconsciously, nothing that I did was as important as getting the hit that pornography provided. That included my work and my relationship with my family.
Sobriety has changed that. I’d be lying if I told you this last week was perfect. In fact, I am learning, bit by bit, especially as I work my Third Step, that perfection and control are illusions. What I can tell you about this last week ending in Mother’s Day was that it was a test of my sobriety and sanity which for once, I really think I passed. At the outset of the week, my ex-wife exploded at me after having a bad day. I didn’t explode back. I let go. I walked away till she and I could both calm down. My new job was relentless, so I asked for and received help by borrowing a truck for the week because I couldn’t rely on public transportation in my town to get me to my commitments easily enough. And when a long-term project involving my program became too untenable to manage, I let that go, too. I respectfully declined to become too stressed on almost any level this week, though I was still working my ass off and spending a lot of time, both for myself and with my family.
I have my sobriety to thank for all of that. Just a year and a half ago, I’d have burned the candle at both ends, tried to accomplish too much, stressed myself and my loved ones out, exploded in rage at them because I wasn’t achieving my goals in an unrealistic manner, and made a miserable time of the whole situation.
Instead, with a little sobriety under my belt, and a lot of work in program, with my sponsor and with my therapist, I picked and chose my battles. I tried to maintain some grace; I asked for help; I talked constantly with God and with others in my program; and I really, really had a great time with my kids and ex-wife on Mother’s Day. All that shows me that it really, really works if I work it.
