Revel in the Process
Don’t Focus Too Much on Outcomes
March 29, 2011
I’ve had to rely on the Serenity Prayer a lot this last week.
The following is what the prayer means to me vis a vis my recent experiences.
My stressors — financial, career, parental, psychological — built up so much in the last two weeks that I became paralyzed. My sponsor noted I was focusing on the outcome of these situations, no longer staying present to work through them. So, I kept praying for guidance, grace, understanding, surrender, and acceptance of where I was, however difficult I found it to be.
And those qualities came to me. Not all at once, but day by day, I was starting to become more proactive and artistic and positive-minded again; and I began making choices which started chiseling away those stressors. I was okay with it being slow-going because at least it was forward-moving.
Things got rocky again and I was reminded that, without some due diligence and vigilance, I can still be vulnerable to my addiction. By definition, as an addict, I have to work to maintain my healthy patterns. So, I reached out more and made even more calls and calmed down the internal turmoil that happens when I get pinged or come close to acting out.
I re-grounded myself and noted that even with the difficulties I was experiencing, I found I was reveling in the way the program was working. Getting out of ruts like this in the past would sometimes take weeks, months. Now, I have a support system — those people I call on as avatars of my Higher Power — and I have a better dialogue with the God of my understanding to help me accept what I cannot change and the courage to change what I can.
I realize that praying regularly for acceptance, self-compassion, focus and serenity not only when I’m feeling utterly bereft of them, but when they’re there, for their continued part in my life, is very important. It’s that repetition — putting the program’s tools into practice — which helps me stay out of psychological ruts or get out of them sooner, and with less self-abuse or self-loathing, which makes this process all worth it.
Because when I can come out of a darker place, especially with my sobriety intact, I am reminded once again that a) I’m not alone, and b) I can survive the darker places, return to sobriety and serenity, and can have comfort in knowing this process, these stressors, aren’t going to kill me. I’m going to survive life’s difficulties, with a lot of faith and trust in God’s will.
