The Current Reality
Not Knowing When or How Conflict Will Be Resolved
January 30, 2012
I’ve had a lot of tension with my ex-wife lately; I’ve been pretty tempted to act out. But somehow, out of the blue, I was gifted by the God of my understanding with a little sliver of grace. Somehow, because of the work I’ve put into this new lifestyle, some self-compassion and self-preservation prevailed. Because, why compound my already complex and difficult emotions by acting out? Why stifle all that I’m feeling and experiencing, without giving it its due? I know what happens when I repress and ignore what I’m feeling; and it’s far worse than whatever challenges and discomfort I may be experiencing in this new, sober life.
I’m really trying to accept my current reality. Someday, something will come to a head in my uneasy relationship with my ex-wife; I just don’t know what or when that is. And I’m not trying to force a culmination with rage or prolong things by being overly enmeshed and codependent. And I’m not trying to prognosticate, pretending I know better or sooner than God knows or than God wants me to know.
Still, it’s hard not having answers. It’s hard not ordering my life’s events in the way I want them to be. When the feelings of disappointment or regret come, I try really hard to surrender. My life is what it is. I’m doing all I can to affect changes that I believe are healthier and saner for me and those around me, especially my children.
I try to do things that are healthier in relation to my ex-wife as well. But I can’t, and am not trying, to control her. And I’m not trying to beat myself up for all that has happened in our history. I’m not trying to control my life; I’m just trying to manage it. And I’m trying to be compassionate with myself to loosen up on my expectations and my perfectionism.
Because although there’s been a lot of stress and anger in my life for a while now, at the very least — which is the very best, actually — I have my sobriety.
Whatever has happened, somedays I can look on it all as a blessing because it brought me out of my active addiction and into the light of recovery and sobriety today.
