The Most Wonderful Time of the Year
Codependence Invited Tensions I Couldn’t Quite Manage
December 20, 2010
I’m not one of those people who loathes the holidays; I love them. But I’ve had a trying time this last week. I miss my extended family in California and the Christmas celebration they throw every year. In the almost 5 years I’ve been in the Southwest, I’ve only been back once for the traditional Christmastime festivities. That saddens and frustrates me. I’m also very stressed because I’m applying to go back to school and the deadline is coming up fast. I don’t like not hanging out with my kids as a result of my admission work, which I need to wrap up, but then I start to feel guilty about the time it’s taking away from my parenting. I still wrestle with my codependence, particularly to my ex-wife, and this last week, it pinned me to the mat.
I started butting heads with my ex even though I thought I was communicating my difficulties clearly. I did the best I could to speak to my fears and stressors, and I invited her to do the same. Perhaps because I was worn-out tired, I started taking on the hostility I perceived was coming from her. I started to feel like an asshole, I started to over-identify with what may or may not have been going on with her. I was also petrified of any negative reaction from her based on my tight schedule, my heavy workload, my decision to try grad school, and my program work. It was guilt over doing the things I believe I need to do to make my way out of financial insecurity, especially post-divorce.
When I miscommunicated my concerns, though, the shit hit the fan and I got angry. But here’s the key: no one is to blame. Not me, not her. I mean, I take responsibility for losing my cool, but I don’t have to double-down on shame. And I also don’t have to dwell on my ex’s issues. A friend in program reminded me not to take on her tension; I have enough of my own. It sometimes becomes a muddle. Sometimes, I still lose myself in fear and anxiety. And the antidote to that is simply to surrender. As much as I can pat myself on the back for not completely falling apart last week, I forgot to pause, talk to God, and just give up all this pain, anger, and stress. Don’t get me wrong: I made calls. Tons of calls. I blew up my sponsor’s and therapist’s cell phones. But for too long this past week, I was wrestling instead of surrendering.
I don’t have all the answers and I never will. I can’t always suss out what’s going on with my wife internally; I can’t always even vet that for myself. I just know that this week, I felt a lot of anxiety about all this, and I just need to let it go. I can’t say that I won’t make these same mistakes again, but for now, I’ve relearned a very valuable lesson, especially for when I’m under pressure. That lesson is that the God of my understanding is always there, ready to listen, waiting for me to ask for a little calm and grace and forgiveness, because my Higher Power is love, love, love. Period.
