The Needy Child Within
A Recovery Friend Mirrors Back to Me the Advice I Just Gave Him
March 13, 2012
Last night, I had a good lesson in taking my own advice. I was also reminded of how important it is to hear others’ advice and stories in order to grow my own recovery. Last night, I was struggling again with putting myself to bed on time and calming my thoughts. I had a hard time being good to myself by staying on schedule and getting to sleep. When I stay up too late, I get into a lot of anxiety and worry, even once I finally rest my head on my pillow.
I called my nighttime accountability partner to bookend getting to bed on time. Staying up late for me and fiddling around online, even if it’s not to porn sites, is also like mimicking my acting-out behaviors without strictly acting out. So, I bookended, but I was really frustrated and really anxious. I didn’t want to give up my nighttime. I just didn’t want to go to bed. Just like how I was when I was a kid. I shared with my recovery friend how I sometimes hate my addiction and my compulsions. And I realized, yet again, how tough it is to manage this spiritual disease.
My friend told me simply to love that needy child inside me. Which is precisely what I told him the last time we checked in when he was struggling with letting his repetitive compulsions and thoughts go. I had to smirk at the irony. So, I thought back to when I was as a kid, very young, like at five and even still at age ten, and how I hated going to bed. I hated missing anything or not getting something done right there in the moment when it hit my head, when it sparked my creative fire. It’s the definition of compulsion, yes, but also of just being a kid.
I was able to give that childhood image of me a big hug and eventually, though it took some more time and work, I was able to give myself the rest that I really needed, even if I didn’t want it. In the end I don’t hate my disease, because it got me here, to recovery. But I do get frustrated and I can be accepting of that, too.
My program is about compassion and self-care. It’s the opposite of abusing myself like I did with acting out for years. My nervous system is still under repair and it still wants me stay up all hours and not take better care of myself. But the advice I’d given my accountability partner just a few days ago of course works just as well if I apply it to myself! What do you know…?
