Welcome Tears
Gladly Revisiting a Day Rife with Emotion
October 4, 2010
Last week, I had a really good cry after feeling particularly lonely without my kids and without a partner. I want to share that experience because it shows me how far I’ve come since the days of shutting down and acting out. If I was having a bad day, I’d act out. If I was having a good day, I’d act out and fuck up the goodness. But the other day, I was house-sitting across town from my kids and I knew as soon as I walked in the door that I didn’t want to be alone for the evening. That is, I was not only lonely but knew that that loneliness would make me vulnerable to acting out on the internet in the house.
I tried to retrace my steps during the day; not as a way of intellectualizing like I used to, but as a way of seeing possible precursors to the wave of sadness washing over me. I had spoken to a high school best friend who was one of my groomsmen and my son’s godfather. He was playing hooky to celebrate his eighth wedding anniversary. I got a confusing message from my toxic mother about coming to visit, in complete denial about how she had treated me and my ex during our divorce. And I had talked with my ex about how it would’ve been nice to have the tools we do now back when, but how we don’t regret splitting and how we enjoy getting along now. I thought about those exchanges, I breathed in the sadness, I called my sponsor, then another divorcee in program, and finally the tears came.
It was actually pretty great because I was so in touch with my feelings and I welcomed my tears. I didn’t get frustrated on top of the sadness; I didn’t reject what was clearly brewing within me. I realized again how much I miss my kids, how I can’t be with my daughter to do homework with her. As an avid student myself, I never fathomed missing out on homework with my own kids, but that’s my reality for the time being.
This is what the program has afforded me. I don’t stifle, I don’t deny, I don’t numb out, I don’t run away from the emotions, but I lean into them. I welcome them. And that’s an amazing change.
